Words

Present

Been up since 4 taking my dad to a doctor's appointment in Indianapolis.  Still no definite answers but I am clear on one point:  I don't do 4am well.

Nope.

So, in the interest of keeping this short and sweet but still fulfilling my commitment to write something every day, I will say that I have been impressed and amused by some of the words that people used in my life the last few hours.

Samuel said "inept" this evening.  Great word and while I wasn't sure he even knew what it meant he did use it in a proper sentence by describing himself as "socially inept".

This statement is only partially true and was used in reference to how little he addresses his Aunt Stephanie at school despite being in her classroom every day.  I feel this probably has something to do with the fact that she has actually changed his poopy diapers and kissed him a bagillion times on his giant, baby forehead but none-the-less...he must speak to his dear, old Auntie.

To say that he is inept in having face to face conversations with the opposite sex would in fact be an extreme understatement regarding eptness.  I blame that on texting.  I further blame that on the fact that I bought him his phone and pay for unlimited texting.

I'm learning to embrace parental failure.

The aforementioned Aunt Stephanie also used the word "tawdry" tonight to describe a past action of hers.  I have not heard this word in ages and it made me smile.

Just for the record, she has in fact never been tawdry in her entire life and if she has been in secret, behind my back, then I certainly am not responsible for teaching it to her!

Unless I did.

I'm furthermore embracing best friend failure.

Until tomorrow.....

Sitting next to her

Present

First...It's always nice when your husband comes into the bedroom early in the morning, quietly sits down beside you and then goes on to tell you that you actually almost killed the whole family as they slept last evening because you left the oven on all night from the batch of cookies you made at 7pm.

I've only been speculating but I'm pretty sure I can now consider it academic.

OCD. Cured.

Today was my day of the month to go see my girls at the Nursing home. I love them. Shirley and Mona are my pals there and I'm very concerned that Shirley is going to break a hip running to me when I get there and at the same time-LOVE IT so much.

Resolved

I will do this.

I will daily journal on my blog because handwriting in a journal makes my fingers hurt and I hate my penmanship.

And because I always fail at the "diet resolution".

I will do this.

It's so much easier...

Past

My youngest memory as far as I can tell was of being picked up by my father from my crib. I specifically remember feeling completely safe as he carried me to the breakfast table for pancakes. Alright, I don't exactly know it was pancakes but it was morning and we were headed to the kitchen and pancakes make me feel happy...much like my father's embrace.

Present

First, I don't want to forget that Josiah told me the other day that (after having to be away for the night with my dad at the hospital) he hoped I was coming home that night because it was very boring the night before without me. Maybe one of the best mom compliments I've ever gotten.

Today, I talked to my dad on the phone. He is ill. We don't know why. He is unable to do the things he wants to do. I'm proud of my brothers and sisters. They are all picking up the slack and without complaint as each feels a great debt to my father for his years of support and love.

My dad hates it. He feels like less of a man. Like life is stealing his dignity.

I told him that I loved him and that at 40, I find myself reflecting more than anything else. Time is slipping through my fingers. I want to slow it down so I don't miss a thing. He may think I missed it but I didn't. All of the money and time and sacrifice and fears and patience that he has had with me....he's never once asked me to change. He's always loved me just as I was. I'll always remember.

And then I cried. Mostly because I'm a daddy's girl but even more because I'm not guaranteed how many of these "talks" I'll get with him. I feel blessed that it is so easy for me to tell him that there's nothing I wouldn't do for him, no distance I wouldn't go to be by his side if he needed me, no words I wouldn't say if I thought it would even remotely let him know how much he is treasured.

It was a good talk.

Future

I never want to forget to say the things to the people I care about while they are in this land of the living. All of those fleeting appreciations that pass through your head and are quickly repressed with more immediate tasks or conversations. I don't want to leave this earth with anyone I love wondering...

Sam and Mama..."Against the World!"

I can't believe it...I mean, I SERIOUSLY can't believe it.

My first baby boy is becoming a teenager this week.

I can remember living in Wisconsin when Sam was born. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Literally. Matt was working full-time and going to school full-time and we saw him for about an hour during the daylight. I was 24 and living far away from home for the first time...with a baby. Wisconsin is cold, It's bleak most of the year. I had fears and depression and loneliness and a screaming baby that I could not make nurse!


On the other hand...I had a screaming baby that I could not make nurse. I did. They said I wouldn't. They were wrong.

I can remember when they first put him in my arms that I thought...I don't have to choose to love him. It's so natural. I just...love him. It's that easy. Baby made= crazy,fanatical love. It was amazing.

On many occasions as I would face another long afternoon and evening alone, I would pack Sam up in the car and head to the Dollar Tree. I took along a hiking backpack (which is all I had at the time) and I'd stick him in it and say, "Here we go, Sam-Sam. It's Sam and Mama against the world!" He would squeal and kick me with his little baby-sized Reeboks and we'd be off.

Then I woke up.

Thirteen years later in what seemed like overnight.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Sam. Since being able to conceive was not on my radar, you will understand when I tell you that I nursed the WORST case of the "stomach flu" for like 2 weeks! Then a lady at work mentioned that I might be pregnant and I was like..."Wha-huh?". It's been said that "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans" and I understood that for the first time. I was making new plans and "life" happened.

The day I took the pregnancy test and got a positive, I was strangely freaking out! You'd think I'd be walking around on cloud nine from this miracle that had occurred and instead I just kept a mantra going of "How will we buy him coats, Matt? He'll need coats. It's the arctic here. How will we buy him coats?"

My panic turned to glee as I realized that I had beaten all my girlfriends in having a baby. I love to one-up them! I know..that sounds terrible but I just don't have a lot going for me. These are pretty amazing women! Sadly, that joy was short-changed for tears when they came to meet Sam for the first time and then left me to go party together at the dorms! (Hateful thing to do to someone in post-partum!) I believed I would never sleep again...

and then I wake up to quietness. Sam is on hour 9-something of uninterrupted slumber and I realize that sleeping is back. Sam doesn't need me to feed him or get him out of the crib. He may still come down with "sleepy-head hair" but he also comes with bad breath and the strangest smelly body that can only be described as "teen-aged boy" and I wish for former days again.

I tried to buy him footed pajamas this past Christmas.

Don't judge me.

I always buy him and Jo matching pj's for Christmas and I found the cutest large size at Target. I mean...THEY HAD SKULLS ON THEM!! What is the problem?

He did the obligatory wearing of them for Christmas Eve but shortly there after he threw them at me and said, "YOU wear them if you think they are so cute!" I tried. Those aren't very flattering for a shapely gal. (Just for the record.)

I'm lost. I don't know how to transition. He's so confusing. One day he wants a cellphone or a laptop and the next, he definitely wants Legos for his birthday. He said he wanted a sleep-over birthday party but then he invited girls!! Where are we at here? Are we little or big?

So, I blog this for Sam on his introduction to teen life.

My son...

You are about to experience the most fun, and exciting and horrendous years of your life.

You will get to do BIG things but you will always want to do BIGGER. You will have moods that you can't explain but will expect everyone else to understand. You will have love for girls and you will nurse painful broken hearts. You will make lots of friends and some will stay but more will go. There will be disappointments and let-downs and the inevitable failures but there will also be laughter and moments you won't forget and exhilaration for life that you will never get back.

You will drive...and seriously...that terrifies me.

You will probably not end up marrying one of my friend's daughters thereby legally binding them to me for life but that's ok cause' I want God's woman for you.

Hopefully, you will always have that feeling you get when you come back home. That it's safe. That you're loved. That you're wanted.

And most of all...Love Jesus. Love Him most. Follow Him. He really knows what He's talking about when it comes to life and love and contentment and joy. Listen to His voice...He can make your little life supernaturally purposeful. I know.

Here's the simple truth, Sambo. You've grown up...but I haven't. When I look at you, I still see the toddler that won his way into our hearts. I still feel the burden of you on my back...kicking me and squealing. It's still you and me, Sam.

Against the world!