My first baby boy is becoming a teenager this week.
I can remember living in Wisconsin when Sam was born. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Literally. Matt was working full-time and going to school full-time and we saw him for about an hour during the daylight. I was 24 and living far away from home for the first time...with a baby. Wisconsin is cold, It's bleak most of the year. I had fears and depression and loneliness and a screaming baby that I could not make nurse!
On the other hand...I had a screaming baby that I could not make nurse. I did. They said I wouldn't. They were wrong.
I can remember when they first put him in my arms that I thought...I don't have to choose to love him. It's so natural. I just...love him. It's that easy. Baby made= crazy,fanatical love. It was amazing.
On many occasions as I would face another long afternoon and evening alone, I would pack Sam up in the car and head to the Dollar Tree. I took along a hiking backpack (which is all I had at the time) and I'd stick him in it and say, "Here we go, Sam-Sam. It's Sam and Mama against the world!" He would squeal and kick me with his little baby-sized Reeboks and we'd be off.
Then I woke up.
Thirteen years later in what seemed like overnight.
I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Sam. Since being able to conceive was not on my radar, you will understand when I tell you that I nursed the WORST case of the "stomach flu" for like 2 weeks! Then a lady at work mentioned that I might be pregnant and I was like..."Wha-huh?". It's been said that "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans" and I understood that for the first time. I was making new plans and "life" happened.
The day I took the pregnancy test and got a positive, I was strangely freaking out! You'd think I'd be walking around on cloud nine from this miracle that had occurred and instead I just kept a mantra going of "How will we buy him coats, Matt? He'll need coats. It's the arctic here. How will we buy him coats?"
My panic turned to glee as I realized that I had beaten all my girlfriends in having a baby. I love to one-up them! I know..that sounds terrible but I just don't have a lot going for me. These are pretty amazing women! Sadly, that joy was short-changed for tears when they came to meet Sam for the first time and then left me to go party together at the dorms! (Hateful thing to do to someone in post-partum!) I believed I would never sleep again...
and then I wake up to quietness. Sam is on hour 9-something of uninterrupted slumber and I realize that sleeping is back. Sam doesn't need me to feed him or get him out of the crib. He may still come down with "sleepy-head hair" but he also comes with bad breath and the strangest smelly body that can only be described as "teen-aged boy" and I wish for former days again.
I tried to buy him footed pajamas this past Christmas.
Don't judge me.
I always buy him and Jo matching pj's for Christmas and I found the cutest large size at Target. I mean...THEY HAD SKULLS ON THEM!! What is the problem?
He did the obligatory wearing of them for Christmas Eve but shortly there after he threw them at me and said, "YOU wear them if you think they are so cute!" I tried. Those aren't very flattering for a shapely gal. (Just for the record.)
I'm lost. I don't know how to transition. He's so confusing. One day he wants a cellphone or a laptop and the next, he definitely wants Legos for his birthday. He said he wanted a sleep-over birthday party but then he invited girls!! Where are we at here? Are we little or big?
So, I blog this for Sam on his introduction to teen life.
My son...
You are about to experience the most fun, and exciting and horrendous years of your life.
You will get to do BIG things but you will always want to do BIGGER. You will have moods that you can't explain but will expect everyone else to understand. You will have love for girls and you will nurse painful broken hearts. You will make lots of friends and some will stay but more will go. There will be disappointments and let-downs and the inevitable failures but there will also be laughter and moments you won't forget and exhilaration for life that you will never get back.
You will drive...and seriously...that terrifies me.
You will probably not end up marrying one of my friend's daughters thereby legally binding them to me for life but that's ok cause' I want God's woman for you.
Hopefully, you will always have that feeling you get when you come back home. That it's safe. That you're loved. That you're wanted.
And most of all...Love Jesus. Love Him most. Follow Him. He really knows what He's talking about when it comes to life and love and contentment and joy. Listen to His voice...He can make your little life supernaturally purposeful. I know.
Here's the simple truth, Sambo. You've grown up...but I haven't. When I look at you, I still see the toddler that won his way into our hearts. I still feel the burden of you on my back...kicking me and squealing. It's still you and me, Sam.
Against the world!
