This is humbling to admit.
Maybe I shouldn't. I know others wouldn't but blogs are perfect for "venting"...or maybe "confession".
God is taking me on a new journey. I find it very intimate how you can look back and see God rolling out the carpet for a walk that He wants to take you on and how He throws situation after situation into your path to carry you in one direction.
Frankly, I find myself at the bottom of a VERY LARGE mountain.
It wouldn't be the first time. I can remember many uphill climbs as God has released me from sin in the past. I've always dialogued the same way at the base of the hill...
"I cannot do this. This is the official stumper of my life. There is just no way that this will change..."
What's also always the same is that if I humble myself and utilize God's transforming power within me...I climb. I crest. I change.
You'd think I wouldn't doubt so much-but here I am at another mountain and it seems bigger than any other and I'm very concerned.
The Mouth Mountain
God has opened my eyes in some not so enjoyable ways to the truth that I have trouble with my tongue.
Maybe I've been in denial about it in the past...maybe I pushed away at something I didn't think was all that damaging...maybe I even valued what not being "carefully spoken" has brought me? I'm not sure...I just know that as I sit at my computer tonight, I am painfully aware that I have a problem.
I can recall a friend of mine saying to me in high school.."You know why I love you, Charity? Because you'll talk about what no one else will discuss!"
It's funny because I can vividly remember attaching onto that compliment and really finding worth in it. I worked at being the crazy, off the cuff, funny girl that would entertain with lavish stories or speak frankly about whatever was bothering me.
I love to give my opinions...even if I have no real knowledge to base them on and while judgement has gone from me in the past few years, I used to condemn like it was my full-time job.
My list could go on and on in an aggressive attempt to convince you of my mountainous mouth disease but that's not the point of this post. The point is..what am I doing about it?
First, massive amounts of repentance. God is breaking me down and glaring my problem in ways that seem unbearable. I feel sick about the people that I have hurt with my words or the ways that I have pulled ones that I love down instead of lifting them up.
I think of all the times that I missed the chance to really listen to someone sharing their heart with me because I was so desperate for them to take a breath so I could get my own thoughts out.
I realize for the first time that every substantial failure in my life started with...one conversation. Every relationship lost, every self-serving moment given away with a few sentences made up of ungodly words. I never really got the utter destruction that words can cause:
An hypocrite with his mouth destroyeth his neighbour: but through knowledge shall the just be delivered.
By the blessing of the upright the city is exalted: but it is overthrown by the mouth of the wicked.
Did you get that? Entire cities are overthrown by mouths...
Is it any wonder that marriages are torn apart by words or children no longer value the unique gift that they are from God by judgements from their parents? Ministries crumble because people speak carelessly or gossip. Wars and fights, Businesses and Careers-all lost because of someones little tongue.
I just...I never really comprehended that.
It makes you concerned to say anything at all.
Secondly, I'm studying. It's my summer goal to do an extensive research of what the Bible says about our speech and then to plead with God to purify my words. I know He is mighty to change and I'm believing that He will guide me in His ways.
My biggest question is how to change and still be able to be me? I imagine that to obey God's commands on speaking is to become totally silent! :) Maybe that's somewhat true but I know that God has given me my personality and sense of humor. I don't want to begin to practice His principles and have 20 people all whispering, "What's wrong with Charity-she's no fun anymore!"
I know that sounds stupid but I'm a conversationalist! I'm not sure how to manage this?
Matt keeps reminding me that when I begin to use my words for edification to others-that will only "enhance" my personality. That speaking God's way is what I was created to do and I will be most useful and enjoyable to those around me when that is fulfilled in me.
I don't know....I'm still scratching my head about that.
Anyway, this is just my transparent blog about my current struggle...who am I kidding? It's my life-long struggle.
I'll let you know how it goes. There are 615 verses in the Bible alone that speak about the "mouth". Not including any on "words" and "speech" or the "tongue". I apparently have alot of work ahead of me! If you read this blog and have a relationship with the Lord, please whisper a prayer for me right now that God will give me victory in this area.
It's a habit that only He can break-one step up at a time.