Saturday, August 05, 2006

The BugMan Prophecies

There have been many times since I started blogging that I wished blogger had an easy and successful way to speak a blog instead of having to type one. Sometimes a story can be too wordy for the common person to dredge through and I feel I have a proficiency in "telling" stories that far exceeds my ability to pen one. (Right, Jeannie?) BUT...the funniest thing happened yesterday.

I have been the epitome of stay-at-home mom. Hanging out around the house with my hair in a knot (new zit cream on mysterious breakout that apparently only thirty somethings know about) and attempting to do various projects to distract myself about my aloneness. Our van's air conditioning has broken and so trips about town are out of the question. It has been VERY uneventful and I'm holding on with the excitement that a visit to my family is just around the corner. Yipee!

So..I'm on the couch relaxing (as much as possible with said new zit cream blazing on my face) when in my peripheral vision I notice that something is quickly making its way across my living room floor.

It was this...

We call them Palmetto Bugs here in the South but in fact they are really just an overgrown cockroach! It was easily three inches long and over an inch wide.


Now, when I originally moved to the South, I had a variety of cockroaches ready to greet me in my rental and to my shock and disgust, most people said, "Welcome to the South...they are everywhere!"


But, I have not seen one in my new house and other than a variety of spiders that think they rent my corners (and I don't mind because I have a thousand more ants that they eat!), this has been a bug free, rat free home.

Until yesterday.

Just for your information, I am not typically afraid of bugs. They generally don't bother me in the least. Sometimes I just walk by them and let them live because I know they serve a greater purpose in the circle of life then just grossifying my house. I am not afraid of mice. I know this because I have been with "others" that are extremely afraid of mice (for example my poor mother-in-law who I feel does need psychiatric therapy or Dr. Phil...or SOMETHING) and I do not share the same panic. Snakes are kind of gross but they are fine, also.

I am cool with wildlife. Really.

But, when I saw above shown bug sauntering across my rugs I literally screamed out loud!

The horror...the antennas...THE SIZE!

I needed a plan. Obviously I could not just ignore this bug. Even though he made his way behind my entertainment center, I WAS NOT GOING TO FORGET HE WAS IN THE ROOM WITH ME!

Honestly, I believe that if that thing would have touched me in ANY WAY I would have dropped to floor in a coma!

BUT, I could not step on it.

It was so big that I knew if I stepped on it, I would throw up. Maybe it was the lack of oxygen getting to my brain from the hyperventilating or the zit cream..I don't know...I just knew that it would feel too close to a homicide for a Friday night.

So, I thought I would get my vacuum and suck it up. It's bagless. I could realistically throw the bug in the trash outside before I could smash it.

But, I couldn't get the attachments to come loose (new vacuum) and so I would have to run over the top of it and thus we would still have the crunching/throwing up issue.

I then faced the fact that I may have to humble myself and call for help. I believed that if I had another adult to advise me on how to capture the thing, I could end this crisis faster than trying to figure it out myself. But, I was aware that if I called most people that lived here...they would never come visit me again after hearing I had large black bug in my living space.

So, I called my husband. He was in Maryland. He was busy. He was impatient. He is, for the record, more afraid of bugs than I am so he could of come up with a little more compassion but I will give him credit that he was trying to move a sleeper sofa at the same time and probably felt a little confused by my panic.

(I really am not usually shaken up by bugs!)

He suggested the shop vac in the garage.


So, I ran suddenly very aware of the scary world I live in and the potential for a run in with Bug's family and I grabbed the shop vac as fast as I could.

I came in. I hooked it up. I got the longest hose available and then I went in.

The bug was gone.

Then I started hopping around the room, afraid that it could be anywhere around me. All the while...talking to the bug.

"Big, grotesque black bug... *in high pitched, singing voice*...Where are you? Don't think that you will get away from me, you freak of nature!"

I decided that I could not face the search alone so I enlisted help from Sam, my seven year old.

He's a boy. Boys like bugs, right? They hide them in their pocket! They pull their wings off! YES...Boys like to torture bugs and I had one that I was ready to destroy!

I went back to get Sam and I leveled with him. I said, "Sam. I love you. I would never put you in direct danger. But, I need a favor. There's a ga-giant bug in our living room and I need you to come out and help me find it. Understand me...I am not asking you for help. You will come and you will help me kill the bug."

He grinned (as if this was the mission that he'd been training for all his life) and said, "Let's go, Momma."

Then he saw the bug.

When the bug was found running out from under my slipper, Sam and Mother were (and unlike usual, I am not exaggerating) screaming at the top of their lungs while running into each other to get away from it.

I had enough presence of mind to turn the shop vac on and then throw the hose into Sam's hand while crying out..."SUCK IT UP!"

He then would spend the next 60 seconds trying to suck up the bug with the tip of the attachment rod at least five feet away from the vicinity of the insect...While he was screaming the entire time.

So, I was screaming at Sam, He was screaming at the bug and the bug appeared to be screaming from the sound of the shop vac in our small room.

It was very loud.

In a moment of desperation and the realization that the bug was going for refuge under my old couch, I lunged at Sam, pushing him towards the bug and both of us used the hose to suck him up.

Whew...victory. I think.

The shop vac got taken back to the laundry room, where I will no longer be able to wash clothes again.


Anonymous said...

You do realize that the shop vac didn't kill the bug don't you? I hate to break it to you but he will crawl back out, and he WILL get revenge. Bugs are like that.. ask my wife if you don't believe me.

Setrn said...

It is nearly 2 am here and I am cracking up! I would have dragged the kids into it WAY earlier. You are right about one thing though, you might not get visitors from the north if you are living with cockroaches!

Charity said...

Listen up, San...I found worse things under my bed after YOU came for a visit so don't threaten me, sister!

(You're so spoiled living in the midwest where there is no giant bugs!)

Hey...I think in light of your birthday coming up, we should post together on my blog some of our favorite memories! Up for it?

And in regards to poor husband of crazy..."bugs get revenge" thinking wife-I'm so sorry!
I've heard that theory and watched it several times in every JAWS re-make but I don't buy it!

I've taken that bug down to China Town! He ain't comin' out!

Di said...

Oh honey........oh honey. I NEVER have the guts to suck those things into vacuums......I simply reach for the Adidas sandal (and yes, I hate to name-drop here, but it MUST be my Adidas sandal. IT MUST!!), scream at the top of my lungs, and go after that %^&*&^$#@$^ like a woman possessed. They are horrible, they are wrong, and they are yet another reason why the Midwest rocks!!! They are not tough enough for the Midwest - oh no. The Midwest is tougher than they are, and I take comfort in that. In fact, maybe that will be my battle cry when I ever have to go after another one: I'M A MIDWEST GIRL! I'M TOUGHER THAN YOU ARE BECAUSE I COULD LIVE UP THERE, MAKE IT UP THERE, AND YOU CAN'T. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU PANSY BUG??? YOU CAN'T MAKE IT IN THE MIDWEST, BUT I CAN!!!! DIE!!!!
Ok - now I'm mildly embarassed after my tyrade, but this is a subject that I'm passionate about. =)

Setrn said...

Ok, reading Di's comment allowed me to hear her voice again. that was nice, but what It really did was give me flashbacks to that really great salad at that restaurant you took me too. (it was great despite the bug talk at the table.) and yes, it is again 2 am. By the way, what kind of memories are we planning to air for any readers to see???

Charity said...

Di? You're passionate about something? Really? This is so hard for me to process...

You crack me up! Will you start a blog already?! I want my peeps to be able to read all your stories!

I did think of you and Tanya when I wrote this!

Charity said...


We've been friends for 16 don't think we have some good stories we could write?

I just think it would be fun to get different perspectives...I'm going to get Steph hooked up on how to do it also since she got her new computer.

Setrn said...

Char, I didn't say I don't think there are stories to tell...I am concerned that some of the memories might make me wish to crawl in a hole ;)